Sunday, December 30, 2007
2007.
everyone usually goes, "yeah..this last year?? ups and downs..y'know?"
I would say that 2007 was a year of mostly...downs for me.
0001 hours, Jan 1 2007 was spent searching the VIP room of Passion for Nigel. He was busy getting everyone in. The new year's kiss was postponed till about half an hour later. Such a sad situation, everyone hugging and kissing each other wishing "Happy New Year!" amidst cat-calling and fireworks, and me (and Tasha too) searching for our boyfriends. ppfft. I'm not one to believe in crappy things such as this, but I think this is one exception; how you spend the first minute of your new year kinda mirrors the rest of the year. My childhood friend's mom passes away.
Down.
The month of Jan was when the first YF-er of my generation left. Justin Wong. That day was the day I got my AS results. 4As.
Up.
Uncertainty in the 2 1/2 year relationship creeps in. The wall builds up and it gets harder to talk to my "best friend" since form 2. I almost lost a good friend from college due to a misunderstanding.
Down.
Everyone starts having problems of their own, Edmund,Mel, Joe, Aud, Saran, Naz, Sheekira, Kim, Tasha. The months of Feb to March were the worst months. I remember Joe, Mel and I sitting in AC, feeling incredulous about the bleakness of the situation. "OMG it's just the start of the year wei, how the F**K are we gonna last the rest of it mannnn.."- Mel.
Down.
Ann became a good friend.
Up.
My grandfather passes away. I promise to do well and get into a good university and study Law. For him.
Down.
Nigel comes back, A2 Trials. Bad combination. For the first time in my life, I let my feelings cloud my practicality. Not being able to study, overanalysing, calling Ann, Mel, Joe, and crying my heart out. We go on a "break". I decide not to think about anything to do with him and concentrate on A2. I think that was one of the best decisions of my life. That was what saved me from totally bombing the exams.
Down.
AlexWung, Tzin, Saran. Three people that made Mohan bearable. Tzin for all the explanations of weird questions. Saran for all the weird things she does, like smack my bum, and freaking out. AlexWung, for being the idiot that he is, talking back to Mohan and distracting him. I made a good friend.
Up.
A2 exams. OMG.
Down.
holeeeeedaysss. not that much good comes from it. Lost myself for a bit there. Lost a good friend who cared for me more than anyone should. the break-up is final. being thrown off course. yikes.
being without someone i always had since i was 14. not good. Thank GOD for Alex, Ann, Mel, Joe, and everyone else who was there who heard my gripes, wiped my tears. Met alot of new people. Rekindled old and long lost friendships - IanYun. :) Made new friendships. Ones that will last a lifetime? Maybe.
Up/Down.
A2 Results.
Down.
Going away from everything familiar. Though I must say, having a mango in UK helped tons.:) We've had our differences, but it's tough to find another person who can go on about a certain topic for hours and not tire...so thank you, Shaun, for being the offensive idiot that you are.:P.
Up.
Lost yet another good friend, one that I, admittedly, have neglected. But hopefully that will change.
Down.
Warwick. What can I say. Scandals Schmandals. BAD. Made good friends though, Pingaboo, Gerald, Eugene, Angeline, Jer, hallmateys...Ian, Oliver, SueBee, Nat - pillars. Oh and Nigel too I suppose.Things are fine now between us, and hopefully the bestfriendness will come back soon. Learnt alot.
Down?Up? Mostly Up i guess.
Coming home.
Up.Up.Up.
Present time:
It's impossible to sum up one's entire year in a single blogpost, but those of you who have been here since the start of 07 would know how bad it was. Of course, now I think I can say I'm quite alright, recovered from the pain? But at that time, whoo hoo was it baaaad. It felt like everything came crashing down at the same time, and if it wasn't for the wonderful friends I have, I would've gg-ed myself straight to the dumps.haha. This year was a looooooooong one, and one that I wanted to end as soon as it started. It feels as if three, not one, years have passed.
Maybe it's because I've experienced so much. Loss and gain of love. Life and death. Change that determines career. Growing up and away from home. I can't say I remember many good things (as you can see most of the things up there are DOWNs) but I guess the one good thing that came out of those downs was that I learnt something from each of them, and have grown wiser(??)..well, hopefully.
About the crazy little thing called love? Confused is what explains me. Still am, doubt it if I'm able to love, and love freely without inhibitions or ego.Yet.
A wise Leonard once said "I guess you learn, and keep on learning from what you experience. One day I'm sure you'll be okay again"..*or something along those lines..I don't remember much amidst the tears in that night bus back to Holborn*
Feeling cold and detached have become a part of me this year. To someone who hardly ever feels down in the dumps, the one with the biggest goofiest smile every morning, the energizer bunny who annoys people no end with her chatter - that has been the one thing that held me back, pulled me down.
A year of change. Growing pains. It's over. THANKFULLY. I guess I can say I've come out older and smarter. heehee.
EnLi's New Year resolutions:
-No grudges.
-No drugs, smoking, excessive drinking.
-Wake up for early lectures and do weekly/daily readings.
-Try to get up and go to church.
-No falling in love too easily.
-Make good friends and KEEP em.
:)
I wave a happy goodbye to 2007!
PS: you know how they always say College friends go away after awhile and it's the High School ones that matter? UTTER BOLLOCKS! I heart PL2!!
Francis said "Remember..but also, remember to forget.." and so I shall..put 2007 behind me, but remember the lessons ive learnt (numerous ones).
I cant waste time so give it a moment,
I realise that nothing's broken,
No need to worry about everything I've done,
Live every second like it was my last one,
Don't look back, got a new direction,
I loved you once 'cause i needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do,
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.
To the year 2008 and may it be less painful than this year!:D
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
.enz.
Labels: emotional, thoughts to ponder
Monday, September 3, 2007
The last thing on my mind has been Him. Been so caught up that I don't have time to stop, and think, and listen. Drifted apart?
Maybe. But this HAS to be one of the worst times to be distant. It's so ironic that I don't give a second of thought to the one thing that will make or break me when I'm away.
It IS true what they say about the second generation Christians. Everything's taken for granted. I've always had the assurance, some people say it's brainwash; but I hardly think so.
The reality is there. I'm reminded of it whenever I look around at the little wonders that go unnoticed most of the time.
Doesn't it amaze you how the tree outside your house has so many leaves that look alike and feel the same, and yet, if you look closer, are different?
If I was God I would just mass produce the darn leaves because nobody appreciates them anyway. But I'm not. And He actually takes the trouble to make every leaf distinctive; even the leaf is given so much attention. Who does these things? And it's not only one tree you know, all the billions of trees have distinctive features. Where got people so free but Him la.....-.-
There are times when I think, well, it's just religion you know? I got so much to do so little time; I'll leave that to whenever I'm less busy...
There are times when I'd avoid the Christianity subject (like before I started this post) because...I don't know.
Then a voice goes in my head.. "Are you ashamed of your faith?"
No I'm not. It's just not what a typical 19 year old talks about right? But then again, Im not THAT typical I guess. Religion doesn't play a big part in most people's lives nowadays but thankfully, it does in mine.
It's very easy to forget and even easier to deny that you ever had anything to do with anything mildly religious.... And gee, I MIGHT just do that when I leave.
I don't want to of course, but I might.
I forget how blessed I am to be where I am now. I forget how He helped me through whenever I was afraid of the future. I forget how I put everything into His hands so that He would decide for me. I forget how much He loves me and died for me and how much I should love Him back.
Worse; I remember all those times I felt alone and that nothing mattered in this life. This one single thought is enough to justify me being distant. I say to myself "Well where was He when this-that-or-the-other happened.."
It's been hard on me these past few months. It still is. I still don't understand why certain things have happened. I guess I got too confident that I could do it without His help. I thought I didn't need to bother Him with trivial stuff. I thought " yeah I can do this ..."
yikes that's when everything goes wrong man. When you decide you can do it yourself. When you push Him away because everything gets too complicated when religion is involved.
I hope that I will be close to Him when I'm on my own in Warwick. It's easy to be part of the Christian family when you're in KL - you have Christian friends, your parents drag you out of bed at 9 on Sunday mornings to go to church, you go to YF....
But when you're in a new place.....all you have is yourself...and Him. That's a scary thought. I wonder if I can still be who I am now when nobody is there to watch my back and tell me "hey en, you're getting a bit outta hand here.."
*sigh* Im rambling. Boom. Was pottering around my room when this song came on my iTunes. and finally, after so long, I stopped, thought, and listened.
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
*...I will be still, and know You are God.*
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
*...I will be still, and know You are God.*
Labels: thoughts to ponder
