Saturday, October 24, 2009
the end of the beginning...?
Starting this blog was a symbol of a new chapter in my life.A chapter which started in my first year of uni, sans the boyfriend, sans my best friend.
I am now in my third and final (!!) Year of uni, with a boyfriend of 1 year and a little bit more than 2/3 of a year.with a lot of new friends whom I treasure.
And then you come to this point in your life where you start to wonder "where do I go from here?what do I do now?"
The sidebar states that I am 19.oh for a time turner. Being 21 honestly takes a toll on you, one simple situation showing that is how my legs start to hurt after 2 hours in high heels when I used to be able to dance for way longer.
I feel so much more adultfied now lol! I miss being able to act stupid and dumb AND actually have a bloody excuse for it. Now its all oh you're an adult now better act responsibly yadda yadda.
Again I feel another crossroad in my life. Roads will diverge again soon. Which road should I take?
Will I have the courage to make the right choice, not the easy one? I don't know really.
There are so many things I still want to do, and now, weirdly, I feel too old to do somethings.is that how getting old feels like?yerrh.
Final year is so important to me, don't want anything to screw it up. How do I choose??
Sigh. Time will definitely take its course anyway.
And I say: come lahhhhh!
(Sorry random post I know)
Xx enz xx
Waves Crashed @ 3:36 AM;
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What I learnt today...
One thing i learnt from law and literature; that lawyers are desensitized from feeling. They look at cases based on facts.
Person A killed Person B. How? What? Why? When? Closing Argument.
Makes me wonder why I ever wanted to be a lawyer in the first place. My personal statement says that I yearn to see justice dealt out to the deserving.
I am currently learning about commercial contracting. uh... connection? dont see any.
It's not everyday you find something in the law that affects you as much as it affected me today. Law students just go plodding in and out of the heavy law texts, groaning about how certain questions were mis-spotted and how we were all going to fail and become less-than-perfect. ooo big deal.
To a certain extent, I guess I could put SOME of the blame on the lecturers..the law school..peer pressure..what have you. Studying the law becomes a chore; when I had previously dreamt (albeit a little too highly in the clouds) of being akin to Justice Bao sans the beard and dark skin, I am reduced to praying for at least a damn 2.1 for my second year. How sad is that?
When I was 6 years old, I was just finishing kindergarten, ready to be a big girl..go to primary school..I probably didn't understand what justice really meant. (I'm quite sure I knew of the word "justice" though :))
When they were 6 years old, they were murdered.
Halfway across the world, as I was enjoying my cartoons and toys and occasional outings to the park with my parents, 6 year olds like me were being butchered, and subject to torture - mental and physical. They saw their parents die in front of them, their little brother's head hacked off, their elder sisters brutally raped and mutilated. Men they did not know, dressed in colorful garb invaded their homes and made everything familiar..unfamiliar. All because of the size of their noses and the lighter shade of brown they were.
I didn't even know. Or at least, I have no recollection of hearing anything about it when I was six. All I remember is watching the news about some African country being invaded..and my parents commenting and shaking their heads. I would usually skip the news and come back at 7pm for my shows to start. But you know, what would I have thought then? Would I have cried foul and screamed at the unfairness? Or would I have shrugged, and asked my mother how long it would be till my next show?
Even now, this very morning... I was talking about genocide..and I mentioned it about 7 or 8 times "yeah but you know genocide came out already right..aiya maybe should study gender crimes instead..but materials are so hard to find.. hows??"..all without feeling. all without thinking what it actually meant. The word genocide, which the rest of the world struggled to understand in 1994, was experienced by the people in Rwanda. No words could explain it for them. The rest of the world turned a blind eye. They worried for the safety of their nationals..not thinking of the people that were being massacred. They sent aid..only to take their people home..home to a TV to watch the horrors unfold.
I felt so ashamed. Why did the rest of the world let that happen? They could have saved a million lives from torturous deaths. Dead bodies piled up on the road..the reporters did their job and censored pictures were everywhere in the news.. "The top stories.. The situation in Rwanda has worsened..." What did they do? Nothing. The people were left to fend for themselves. The big countries, England..the US..what did they do?
I guess you could shoot it back at me. "En, what could they have done?" I don't know. This feeling of futility gets me when I least expect it. Everything is so futile. What can I, as one individual do?
Watching the show was an enlightening experience for me. The words of the boring old Casesse and Shaw textbook were brought to life.. I saw what "killing of children" meant. I saw what "war crimes" really meant. I saw "rape", "torture", "death toll" come to life.
Yes it was just a show. But if a show can evoke such feelings, what could the real thing have been? Why weren't people doing anything to save them, I frequently asked myself throughout the two hours. I wonder who asked the same question the 100 days the Rwandan Genocide was on the news.
Something could have been done to stop it. But we just didn't care enough. It's just so sad really.
The study of International Law is so waffley that I can't even tell you where to begin. It is one of my weakest subjects, and one I dread to study because it's just so...so...inapplicable. I mean, contract you know you can use when you are a hotshot lawyer..But international criminal law? War crimes tribunal? like hello when are you ever going to put something like that to use? Thats what I used to think anyway.
I learnt today that international law was not meant to teach you about which year that situation happened and how it was overcome. It is meant to teach you to feel. And possibly to remind you never to turn a blind eye, to sympathise and make sure, in whatever way you can, that such atrocities will never happen again.
But still, here I am, stuck in front of this laptop, waiting for emancipation, not being out there doing something, anything to lessen the suffering of other people who are still being subject to such torture.
At least the brief two hours of clarity has changed me that little bit.
I need to feel more.
Waves Crashed @ 3:04 AM;
Monday, May 25, 2009
another sheepish post..
Sigh. The blogging craze has..died.
At least it has..for me.
Im OLD. therefore I do not have time to blog. AKHEM.
Or maybe I was never really that good at being consistent in anything that I do. Either that or I suck at penning my thoughts.
boohoo. exam time is here again. and for a 2nd year law slave, that spells D-E-A-T-H.
Amidst the Retention of Title clauses, the supremacy of EU law, god knows what else..I had the time to have an epiphany of sorts. :( and that is...
the fact that...
It's been almost 4 years since my first prom.
O.O didnt seem that long ago when I went to do up my hair..and Capri bought her hot black bareback dress. and me in my toga red dress that I can barely fit into now because of my tummy boohoo.
memories memories. sigh I sound like an old fogey looking back on the good ol glory days.
maybe thats what I really am. sigh. where is my zest for life.
down the drain. along with my degree?
I like, where you sleep, when you sleep, next to me.
Waves Crashed @ 11:57 PM;
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I dont know how many times I've had the sheepish posts already. =.=
Sorry la. I guess I'm not a good updater of blogs. But life is passing me by and all that jazz and I guess I should document some of it. Looking back at my first year posts, I get a little freaked that I won't be reading much of my second year when I'm in my third..which is.. not that far off zomg die.
So, a summary of things that have happened?
Dec - Curled my hair, went to Thailand (pics on facebook)
Jan - Handed up two essays, which I slaved for at least 2 weeks in the library of the Legal Department in BNM.
Feb - Horror of Horrors, Mnight 2009 which I produced with my trusty pardner Jin, with some help from the VeeePeee. lol zhiyi. Cried with happiness when it ended for the first time since I got my UPSR results.Went back to malaysia for 4 days (100pounds a day man) for my grandma's 80th.(pics on facebook) whoa it was so surreal and whirlwind that I don't even know if irt happened for real:P
March - Slowly getting back into the studying mood *ahem as if* skipped a billiion Con and Ad Sems, not as much as Jin though tee hee. And HAD THE LAST OF MY LECTURES WITH THE WONDERFUL HUGH BEALE.*sobs*
How has everyone else been?
I'm still addicted to Gossip Girl, and have been addicted to K-dramas like, forever OHMYGOD.
And am currently smouldering in the library trying to update my business finance insolvency notes. BAH. :)
love you guys!
Waves Crashed @ 7:14 PM;
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Happily Never After...
I've come back to life...for 2 (or 3?) reasons.
1. I got slammed by KeatBoon because since I don't reply MSNs, answer calls, etc etc, the only way he knows I'm still alive and my irritating self is when he sees a new blog post. And, he's sick of seeing "Happy Anniversary" as the latest post..so..teehee.
2. Everytime I see Peijean blog something emo, I immediately feel something emo along those lines too. Why oh why does it feel like that 99% of the time. PJ stop being so emo la, if not everytime I reaad your blog I will get so emo I will be crying for no damn reason *shy*.
3. I haven't been penning/typing my thoughts down in awhile, and it feels kinda awkward. I have so many thoughts about different matters that it's just been screwing around with my brain a little too much I think.
Some girls just have it all.
WHY do I feel like that? WHY do I feel tht I don't have it all? Yeah yeah, everyone feels like that you say, but how can they when I look at them and I can see that they have everything?
"Does it help, that if you are disappointed, you ought to think of the people YOU yourself disappointed?
Every single time I feel that way, I become even more disappointed because I failed to be unselfish.
But not all angels are angels for angels placed on Earth can never be angels forevermore.
Thus, sometimes I get disappointed that people don't see how disappointing they can be, how selfishness exudes from their very pores.
And then I disappoint myself further by sinking into the crowd, by becoming selfish myself, because treading water makes me numb and my neck aches, and it's so long that I wonder what's beneath my feet in the murky waters whilst my neck cranes for ages only to see the liquid land."
I feel that that is sooo true. Sorry for the plagiarism darling, it's just that my literary prowess is nowhere near yours and your excerpt above explains almost EXACTLY how I feel.
This is my version:
When I get pissed at someone, I will start making up excuses for me NOT to be pissed, but that is even more pissing off because I can't see why I'm doing the job for the person who pissed me off. Which makes me even more pissed off because I don't understand why I feel like making excuses for people who piss me off but can't be bothered to un-piss me off. Then I realise that me being pissed off at the person is making me exactly like that person. Selfish and insensitive. Then I GET EVEN MORE PISSED OFF. It's a vicious cycle yes I know le sigh.
Yes, Peijean writes a thousand times better than I do oh wells.
"En-Li why are you never happy with what you have?"
"Gee I dunno"
That's the conversation I have with myself everyday. Everyday I tell myself that I should be happy with what I have, but really, Is that really what I should be doing? Am I settling for less-than-perfect? Yeah Nobody's perfect. So get me Nobody then. muhuhaha. ahem.
What I mean to say is, I have no idea if what I have is what i deserve/need. So if I decide to go for "better" what if this IS as good as it gets and any more will be the worse for me?
But I feel that there IS "better". BUT what if that better is NOT for me? WHAT IF I DONT DESERVE BETTER? *omgdie*
Sheesh all these questions are pissing the hell outta me. I feel like im going around in circles; and not in the way that would seem oh-so-literary and thought evoking.
I feel like I've put so much into stuff, I should get the equivalent no?
"En-Li don't expect too much. You can't expect everyone to live up to your WONDERFUL standards"
OH REALLY? HUH? STUPID VOICE IN MY HEAD PLS SHUT UP NOW.(what makes me think my standards are THAT wonderful anyway arrghhhhkillsself)
I tell myself this, I tell myself that, then I go against it. It's no surprise tht I think I'm going to be the next inmate at Tanjong Rambutan (or some equivalent in the UK).
I think, alright, so, things are going good for you. Remember the good times, trash the bad ones. But why oh why do the bad ones always seem more prominent??
Kshen and Aaron both say I'm too nice. (??) Yeah wth I know.
Ultimate self pity sad moment coming up:
If only I had one male species to prove me wrong.
That maybe, I am worth it after all. -PeiJean
If only I had something to prove me wrong.
That maybe, I am worth it after all.
WHY DO WE GIRLS DEPEND ON GUYS FOR OUR SELF WORTH???????!!!! So no guy likes you for who you are. Does that mean you aren't beautiful in your own special way?
but you know? What peijean has said, every girl has said AT LEAST ONCE in their life before.
One guy to show you that you really are that wonderful girl that he's been looking for all his life.
One guy to show you that you are the only one who can make him smile after a horrible day.
One guy to show you that every little thing you do makes him happy.
One guy to show you that you are worth anything and everything he could or would do.
One guy to show you how well you can be loved because you are just thaat special to him.
One guy to show you that his heart skips a beat when you try to get that annoying strand of hair out of your face.
One guy to show you that all your efforts in making him love you have not gone unnoticed.
One guy to show you that a guy who will give up everything for you *SURPRISE SURPRISE* actually exists.
ONE GUY WHO CAN SHOW YOU ALL THAT AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT.
Most guys have no idea how to do that (ahem ie. AaronKumarHastir..WHAT he admitted it okay!) But at least they have an excuse. Cannot blame them for being so blur and bodoh right?
Some guys KNOW how to do it, but do it for the purposes of getting into the girl's pants.. Saying all these things the moment they meet (two weeks etc) HELL-o? YOU THINK it takes two weeks to know all of the above?
Sheesh. Guys suck. lol Girls RULE.
BUT SIGH, then there are the poor guys that do all that for a girl, but the girl takes him for granted.
Some guy friends I have, go out of their way for their girlfriends, only to be dumped by them for no apparent reason.
Some girls yearn and yearn for any guy to give them the love they need.
But somehow these girls don't end up with those guys. The girls who yearn, end up with pricks who don't care. The guys who yearn, end up with bitches who don't care.
I is annoyed and is jetlagged and is feeling like stabbing something now. *stabs*
I will go to sleep now. fubgkjdfhbgsjdghksgsdg.
GAH. life should have ended at 20. PJ was right. so many responsibilities that I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO THINK OF.
Please mommy I just want to play masak-masak with my kiddie friends and eat ice cream all day.
Waves Crashed @ 8:50 PM;
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
happy birthday to blueseasblueskies!
time has literally. FLOWN.
what a year oh what a year.
Waves Crashed @ 12:20 PM;
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
it's wrong to feel like this..
Waves Crashed @ 6:24 PM;