Sunday, October 7, 2007
Yeah, so I don't call or message, or IM you.
If friendship was reduced to just that; then yeah. Fine. I suck at being a friend.
I never called or messaged every freaking day anyway. AND I THINK THE WHOLE EFFING WORLD KNOWS THAT I JUST HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT IM IS..
It's not that I don't care; or that I take friends too lightly and I dump the old friends as soon as the new ones come along. Thats utter bullshit.
What would you have me do? Seriously. Just tell me. PLEASE. Im at a loss.
I try to talk to you online and you are so fucking cruel that tears sprung to my eyes the moment I read your message.
"hahaha. it's not the same anymore"
whattheheeeelllll.
You know, if friends were defined as just that "people who call, message, and IM" I wouldn't have a single friend in the world. God, maybe I don't.
Did I do something else that was wrong? Am I barking up the wrong tree entirely? Maybe there's another reason why you're being like this but I have no idea and I can't think of any other reason other than this.
I didn't backstab you. I didn't take advantage of you. I didn't become friends with you just because you were someone's son or daughter. I didn't ignore you whenever you needed me. I didn't laugh at you when you were crying. Even when I didn't get why you were upset I still tried to cheer you up.
Regardless of what it feels like, I DO CARE. And Im sorry that I don't know how to show it. It's a bad habit; me not IMing ppl online, but that's because I do not think much of IMing. If i changed from last time, if I used to IM you alot and now Im not doing so, then fine. Yeah Ive changed. But you see, I don't think I was ever much of an IM person anyway.
Maybe I used to call and SMS you tons. But that was back in Malaysia, when I HAD A HOUSE PHONE and a mobile that didnt cost so much to SMS. (yeah money isnt the question here) Im still on a prepaid UK mobile ok. And it's pretty shit because I have to make 30 pounds last at least a week. It would have been different if I had a line and Unlimited texts or something.
Things are different because YOU made it different. Unless I was mistaken, it was okay for awhile after you left. Then suddenly you were cold again. I didnt do anything because I thought it was because you were settling in and making new friends. I didnt want to be in the way or anything. I didn't want to make it seem like I needed you to talk to me.
Your letter made me cry. Buckets actually. I said I was sorry. What else can I say or do? Until now I still don't really get why you and I fell out. And then you apologized too. And everything was fine. And then you were cold.
If what you said in the invisible ink was true, well I don't believe it anymore. The word "always" sounds so fake now.
Im not justifying myself on the keeping in contact part. That is my issue and for that Im so sorry. But I hardly think that "hahaha its not the same now" comment was called for. It hurts. and I cant find any other description of it but cruel. Because I was trying to talk to you. It really hurts. I trusted you when you said always. But no. You don't say things like that to someone you love. nope. you just dont. esp the hahaha part. Thats why i say cruel. because of its definition.
Maybe youre not worth it. Maybe it's not me thats a shit friend, it's you. I don't know. And frankly I dont care. Because whether or not you're worth it, you're my friend.
"A friend is someone you have history with. Someone who's got your back no matter what you do, have done or will do.
I think a true friend is the person who you can call after not talking for a while with no "well, I haven't heard from you in a whiles". . . just start where you left off. . .because no matter how long it's been, they're always in your heart and you're in theirs."
After the conversation, I sat in front of my laptop, in tears and in a daze. I wondered if I was really such a crap friend as you make me out to be. I wondered if I was right in feeling sorry and blaming myself for what happened to us. And guess what....I think you're the cruel one. I don't see you in tears do I?
Nowhere did it say that you have to call, message or IM people to be considered a friend. It DID say that a friend is someone who accepts whoever you are, along with the flaws. A friend is someone who will try to understand (at least) who you are, and though they are allowed to be annoyed because well, nobody's perfect; they are supposed to be okay with who you are.
To me, you don't have to do anything to be a friend. You just are. If you were really a true friend, you'd know that I don't mean to ignore you or push you aside. I don't mean to make you feel like you've lost any significance in my life. Because you havent. No friend has ever lost his or her significance in my life.
You must mean alot to me for me to cry at a mere IM (which might i say AGAIN that i dont think much of).
I don't know what I can say or do. But yeah, this is what I have to say about this. You probably tell people that en is such a shit friend who forgets you as soon as someone new comes along. You probably tell people that yeah it's different between en and i, we used to be tight, but she's changed now. But I know what you told me, and oh my gosh, wouldn't it surprise you to know that it's fake to me now? You told be you'd always be around. Well, where are you now?
your keychain. If I truly didn't care about you, do you honestly think I'd remember to bring it over? And use it as my room keychain?
Think about it. And you will realise that I'm still your friend even though you think that I've changed, or that you're not important to me.
Labels: emotional
