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Monday, September 3, 2007

From The Inside Out....

it's about two weeks until I leave..

The last thing on my mind has been Him. Been so caught up that I don't have time to stop, and think, and listen. Drifted apart?

Maybe. But this HAS to be one of the worst times to be distant. It's so ironic that I don't give a second of thought to the one thing that will make or break me when I'm away.

It IS true what they say about the second generation Christians. Everything's taken for granted. I've always had the assurance, some people say it's brainwash; but I hardly think so.

The reality is there. I'm reminded of it whenever I look around at the little wonders that go unnoticed most of the time.

Doesn't it amaze you how the tree outside your house has so many leaves that look alike and feel the same, and yet, if you look closer, are different?

If I was God I would just mass produce the darn leaves because nobody appreciates them anyway. But I'm not. And He actually takes the trouble to make every leaf distinctive; even the leaf is given so much attention. Who does these things? And it's not only one tree you know, all the billions of trees have distinctive features. Where got people so free but Him la.....-.-

There are times when I think, well, it's just religion you know? I got so much to do so little time; I'll leave that to whenever I'm less busy...

There are times when I'd avoid the Christianity subject (like before I started this post) because...I don't know.

Then a voice goes in my head.. "Are you ashamed of your faith?"

No I'm not. It's just not what a typical 19 year old talks about right? But then again, Im not THAT typical I guess. Religion doesn't play a big part in most people's lives nowadays but thankfully, it does in mine.

It's very easy to forget and even easier to deny that you ever had anything to do with anything mildly religious.... And gee, I MIGHT just do that when I leave.

I don't want to of course, but I might.

I forget how blessed I am to be where I am now. I forget how He helped me through whenever I was afraid of the future. I forget how I put everything into His hands so that He would decide for me. I forget how much He loves me and died for me and how much I should love Him back.

Worse; I remember all those times I felt alone and that nothing mattered in this life. This one single thought is enough to justify me being distant. I say to myself "Well where was He when this-that-or-the-other happened.."

It's been hard on me these past few months. It still is. I still don't understand why certain things have happened. I guess I got too confident that I could do it without His help. I thought I didn't need to bother Him with trivial stuff. I thought " yeah I can do this ..."

yikes that's when everything goes wrong man. When you decide you can do it yourself. When you push Him away because everything gets too complicated when religion is involved.

I hope that I will be close to Him when I'm on my own in Warwick. It's easy to be part of the Christian family when you're in KL - you have Christian friends, your parents drag you out of bed at 9 on Sunday mornings to go to church, you go to YF....

But when you're in a new place.....all you have is yourself...and Him. That's a scary thought. I wonder if I can still be who I am now when nobody is there to watch my back and tell me "hey en, you're getting a bit outta hand here.."

*sigh* Im rambling. Boom. Was pottering around my room when this song came on my iTunes. and finally, after so long, I stopped, thought, and listened.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

*...I will be still, and know You are God.*

Labels: thoughts to ponder

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